Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
Home
About
Categories
Activities
Age
Animals
Appearance
Beliefs
Characteristics
Communication
Conflict
Death
Education
Emotions
Entertainment
Family
Food/Drink
Government
Health
Intelligence
Life
Marriage
Miscellaneous
Money
People
Places
Problems
Relationships
Science/Weather
Sex
Situations
Sports
Success
Things
Time
Work
Additional Categories
Book Titles
Confucius say
Definitions
Epitaphs
Exaggerations
Expressions
Hollywood Squares
Insults
Last Words
Murphy's Laws
Place Names
Proverbs
Reviews/Criticism
Song Titles
Tom Swifties
TV/Movie Quotes
Oops...
Bushisms
Church Bulletins
Classified Ads
Colemanballs
Headlines
Malaprops
Misspokements
Signs
Translations
Yogi-isms
Some Popular Authors
Abraham Lincoln
Alfred E. Neuman
Ambrose Bierce
Benjamin Franklin
Dave Barry
Demetri Martin
Dorothy Parker
Emo Phillips
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
H.L. Mencken
Homer Simpson
Jeff Foxworthy
Jimmy Carr
Joan Rivers
Mae West
Mark Twain
Mitch Hedberg
Oscar Wilde
Phyllis Diller
Richard Lewis
Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
Stewart Francis
W.C. Fields
Will Rogers
Woody Allen
View All Authors
Subject:
Health
(Page 16)
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? … ever… there’s no reciprocity.
Janeane Garofalo
Health
Things
Grapefruit
Tumor
There definitely needs to be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa.
John Madden
(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer
Alcohol
Health
Misspokements
Sports
Water
Go to the
gyropractor
and get fixed?
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Health
Malaprops
Chiropractor
My cholesterol count has a comma.
John Pinette
(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian
Health
Self
Cholesterol
Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from 9 hours of liposuction and plastic surgery – or, as it's commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Death
Health
Places
Beverly Hills
Plastic surgery
He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Doctors
Health
Insults
About a detested doctor
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Doctors
Health
Work
Practice
Unnerving
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the
computer
says you’re out of it.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health
Book clubs
Hospitals
The closest thing I have to a nutritionist is the Carlsberg Beer Company.
Colin Farrell
(1976 – ) Irish actor
Beer
Eating
Food/Drink
Health
Nutritionists
This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health
Smile
The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Doctors
Health
Life
People
Patient
Psychiatrist
Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician.
Matthew Prior
(1664 – 1721) English poet & diplomat
Death
Doctors
Health
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
Rod Schmidt
Health
Birth
Caesarean section
Window
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Doctors
Health
People
Barbers
Beware
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Family
Health
Parents
Psychiatry
I feel like death eatin’ a soda cracker.
Anonymous
Expressions
Health
Feel poorly
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems… like your
groinocology.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Doctors
Health
Malaprops
Gynecology
You know, the only difference between me and a surgeon or a pediatrician is that when I approach a couple with a child and say, ‘I’d like to keep him for a few days and do some bloodwork,’ it’s considered inappropriate.
Laura Kightlinger
(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Doctors
Entertainment
Health
Bloodwork
Comedy profession
Vaccination: An ouch of prevention.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Vaccination
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun.
Flip Wilson
(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor
Health
Get well cards
Humor
The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog… hello?… he's already licking his ass.
Jake Johannsen
(1960 – ) American comedian
Animals
Dogs
Health
Medicine
Taste
Page 16 of 25
« First
« Previous
14
15
16
17
18
Next »
Last »