Subject: Health (Page 16)

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies Bergeres and looks at the audience.

(1913 – 1995) British Anglican Bishop

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

Life is a terminal disease.

If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist

Hospitals Resort To Hiring Doctors

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

A hospital is no place to be sick.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

I’m fairly certain that the only reason I was born crippled was because God knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to become a stripper.

American comedian

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine, but it turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

No child throws up in the bathroom.

New Sick Policy Requires 2-day Notice

Did God who gave us flowers and trees

Also provide the allergies?

(1898 – 1981) American song lyricist

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

It's this disease that only white girls catch from glamour magazines.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian

It never heals correctly.

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host