Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Intelligence
(Page 23)
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Intelligence
People
Journalists
Objectivity
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place
Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
Scott's Second Law
Ideas
Intelligence
Mistakes
Murphy’s Laws
Corrections
Equations
Errors
He’s a fool that makes his doctor his heir.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Doctors
Fools
Health
Intelligence
Heirs
If brains was lard, Jethro couldn't grease a pan.
Buddy Ebsen
(1908 – 2003) American actor & dancer
Intelligence
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jed Clampett in “The Beverly Hillbillies”
Brains
How To Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
Lewis Frumkes
Book Titles
Intelligence
Intelligent conversationalist: One who nods his head in agreement while you’re talking.
Anonymous
Communication
Conversation
Definitions
Intelligence
Speech
Agreement
Psychic: An individual having an uncanny, seemingly supernatural, talent for extracting money from morons.
‘Chaz’ Bufe
American author
Fools
Intelligence
Money
Psychic
I started wearing glasses, and people started saying I looked smart and I'm like, huh?… I didn't go to Harvard; I went to Lens Crafters.
Kyle Grooms
comedian
Education
Intelligence
Eyeglasses
A liar should have a good memory.
Quintilian's Law
Memory
Murphy’s Laws
People
Liars
I have a simple philosophy; fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Intelligence
Philosophy
Every revolutionary idea – in Science, Politics, Art or whatever – evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases: 1. It is completely impossible; don't waste my time. 2. It is possible, but it is not worth doing. 3. I said it was a good idea all along.
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas
Ideas
Intelligence
Murphy’s Laws
People
Arthur C. Clarke
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
Albert Einstein
(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence
Life
Locksmith
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers
Fools
Intelligence
People
Things
Statistics are no substitute for common sense.
Bialac’s Conclusion
Intelligence
Murphy’s Laws
Common sense
Richard Bialac
Statistics
My girlfriend said she wanted me to dominate her; so I said, “OK, let’s play Scrabble.”
Myq Kaplan
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Intelligence
Sex
Domination
I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad.
Lyndon Johnson
(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
Insults
Intelligence
Chickens
On a speech by Richard Nixon
The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb; to be a back, you only have to be dumb.
Knute Rockne
(1888 – 1931) American football player & coach
Football
Intelligence
Sports
Stupidity
Linemen
American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.
Christine O'Donnell
(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Intelligence
Misspokements
Stupidity
?
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.
Gummidge's Law
Intelligence
Murphy’s Laws
People
Understanding
Expertise
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Fools
Sports
Fine line
Fishing
His brain is a half-inch layer of champagne poured over a bucket of Methodist near-beer.
Benjamin de Casseres
(1873 – 1945) journalist & author
Alcohol
Insults
Intelligence
Brains
On George Bernard Shaw
Page 23 of 47
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