Subject: Marriage (Page 14)

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)
Communication Divorce Marriage Speech Wives

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

My wife gets all the money I make… I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Marriage Wives

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage

We’ve been married 21 years – 100 with the windchill factor.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window; you may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Appearance Clothing Marriage Shopping

Jess: Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Harry: Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is fucking my wife.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Marriage

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Marriage

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Alcohol Marriage Men

Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.

Definitions Husbands Marriage

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wife's husband.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist
Husbands Marriage Wives

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Divorce Religion

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Husbands Marriage Wives

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Communication Girlfriends Marriage Relationships Speech

Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.

Definitions Marriage

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

I’d go to the end of the world for my husband; of course, if he’d just stop and ask directions, I wouldn’t have to.

(1951 – ) American author, playwright & lyricist
Husbands Marriage

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

(1958 – ) standup comedian, actor, game show host & photographer
Marriage Sex

Insurance is like marriage – you pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

My sister just got married; I was the maid of debt in that little event.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Marriage Money Relationships