Subject: Marriage (Page 29)

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

(1982 – ) American author
Marriage Wives

I know not which lives more unnatural lives, obeying husbands, or commanding wives.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Husbands Life Marriage Wives

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Wives Wordplay

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.

Marriage Sex

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job… my wife told me.

(1920 – 1991) American poet
Marriage Success Wives

After five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Divorce Marriage

A fool and his money are soon married.

(1862 – 1942) American author & poet
Fools Intelligence Marriage

It was a mixed marriage… I’m human, and he was a Klingon.

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Marriage People

Altar: Place where a man loses control of himself.

Definitions Marriage

Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer; but me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Government Husbands Law Lawyers Marriage

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Friends Marriage Old People

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Marriage

My wife said: ‘I want an explanation and I want the truth.’ I said: ‘Make up your mind.’

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication Honesty Marriage Truth Wives

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Marriage People Wives

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Wives

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Marriage

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Housework Marriage Sex

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window; you may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Appearance Clothing Marriage Shopping

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Appearance Clothing Marriage