Subject: Marriage (Page 29)

‘Tis my maxim he’s a fool that marries, but he’s a greater that does not marry a fool.

(c. 1641 – 1716) English dramatist
Marriage

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Characteristics Marriage

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian
Marriage Money Shopping Wives

By all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

(469 BC – 399) BC Greek philosopher
Emotions Happiness Marriage Wives

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, “Wow, that’s awesome. You’re going to make a great single mom.”

(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian
Children Family Marriage

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later, and for another thing, they die earlier.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage Men Women

Marriage is like a train that makes intermittent stops at children, new house, new job, new car and cruises, just to keep the trip interesting.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage

Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

Husbands Marriage

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian
Appearance Health Husbands Marriage Ugly

Monogamy: A marriage system in which subscribers are requested to return one wife before taking another.

Definitions Marriage

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Definitions Marriage

Tennis is like marrying for money; ‘love’ means nothing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Love Marriage Sports

Jess: Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Harry: Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is fucking my wife.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Marriage

Throwing rice at a wedding is a tradition… unless it’s an Asian couple, then it’s a hate crime.

comedian
Marriage

Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' … and I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'

comedian
Marriage Sex

My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.


Dating Marriage Relationships

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health Love Marriage Wives

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor
Marriage Wives

Why do we have to go out Peg? … Isn’t it enough I know I’m married to you; do we have to tell the whole world?

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes Wives

After you say you do… you don’t… for a long time.

(1964 – ) Colombian-American actor, producer, playwright & screenwriter
Marriage Sex

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage