Subject: People » Friends

Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.

(1944 – 1992) American author

I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.

(1741 – 1794) French writer

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time?… it’s the same here with the Bible.

(1960 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer

I got my period today; I’m happy ’cause most of my friends got it when they were 13.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Friends are like fiddle-strings and they must not be screwed too tightly.

I don’t want to lose weight; my tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

American stand-up comedian

Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.

(1929 – ) British politician

A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Love is staying up all night with a sick child… or a healthy adult.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality

A lifelong friend is one you haven't borrowed money from yet.

(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer

An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body.


Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author