Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 115)
X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
Anonymous
Definitions
Men
People
Genetics
X Chromosome
Is a narcissist’s suicide a crime of passion?
Howard Ogden
People
Self
Narcissism
Trust me, ladies, if you knew even for a second how we men really look at you, you would never stop slapping us.
Larry Miller
(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Men
People
Sex
Women
Thoughts
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions
Things
Women
Cigar
Occasional pleasure
Smoke
Ten thousand women marched through the streets of London saying 'we will not be dictated to,' and then went off to become stenographers.
G.K. Chesterton
(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
People
Politics
Situations
Women
Stenographers
A consultant is someone you pay a hundred-dollars-an-hour to give you the same advice you ignore from your assistant.
Robert Orben
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Occupations
People
Work
Consultants
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics
Lies
People
Truth
Lies
His big thing now is we’ve got to get these evildoers… sounds like we’re living in a giant episode of ‘Scooby Doo.’
Charlie Viracola
(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
People
Evil
George W. Bush
Scooby Doo
I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics
People
Prejudices
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children
Parents
People
Creatures
Home
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is; I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Emotions
Men
Success
Women
Childbirth
Pain
Zippers
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Democracy
Government
Individuals
President
Democracy
Grow Up
Vice president
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
New York City
People
Places
People seldom become famous for what they say until after they are famous for what they've done.
Cullen Hightower
(1923 – ) American quote & quip writer
People
Speech
Success
Accomplishments
Celebrity
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.
Milton Jones
(1964 – ) English comedian
Appearance
Clothing
People
Women
Feminists
Hats
Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Clothing
People
Strangulation
Turtleneck
[Dan] Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac.
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People
Dan Quayle
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Art
Money
People
Public
I went to Boston College; it’s a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there:
Jew.
Gary Gulman
(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
People
Self
Jew
No matter what goes wrong, there’s always someone who will say he knew it would.
Murphy’s Fifth Corollary
Murphy’s Laws
People
Problems
I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.
Oscar Levant
(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Friends
Old
People
Self
Hate
Like
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