Subject: People (Page 115)

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A fanatic is one who sticks to his guns whether they’re loaded or not.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.

stand-up comedian

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.

(1921 –2003) American editorial & war cartoonist

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker… well voyeur was the actual word she used, but there’s no need to split hairs is there?

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a Native American community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

(1957 – ) American comedian

Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The business contact that you have developed at great expense is the first person to be let go in any corporate reorganization.

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we’re having sex… but I say, what’s wrong with while we’re having dinner?

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

(1934 – ) writer & editor

To know him was to like him; not to know him was to love him.

(1884 – 1947) Jewish American lyricist

Younger Generation: A group that is alike in many disrespects.

Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’

(1943 – ) American football player

Politics is the pursuit of trivial men who, when they succeed at it, become important in the eyes of more trivial men.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor