Subject: People (Page 35)

Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Individuals Language

I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Men People Sex Situations

I don’t believe in vitamin pills; I swear by men, darling, and as many as possible.

(1933 – ) English actress & author
Men People

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics People

Imagine being in a room filled with losers.

(1968 – ) Welsh comedian
Characteristics People

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Life People

The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.

American playwright, television writer & author
Men People Sex Situations

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics People Rednecks Things

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Age Old People Situations

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

(1912 – 2003) newspaper columnist
Characteristics People

A man's got to do what a man's got to do; a woman must do what he can't.

(1951 – ) American stand-up comic & actress
Men People Women

What's he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%; is he coming round at night, with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you that you’ve lost weight?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
People

I didn’t know you could name a Puerto Rican ‘Israel’ ‘cause I’m pretty sure you’ll never meet a Jew named ‘Puerto Rico.'

American comedian & actor
People

The hands on my biological clock are giving me the finger.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Age People Self Time

No woman can be too rich or too thin.

Duchess of Windsor (1896 – 1986) American socialite & wife of the Prince Edward, formerly King Edward VIII
Appearance People Wealth Women

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Democracy Government People

Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.

(1856 – 1925) American artist & portrait painter
Art Entertainment Friends People

Things hate people.

Murphy’s Laws People Things

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
People Sex