Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 35)
A lifelong friend is one you haven't borrowed money from yet.
Dylan Thomas
(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer
Friends
Money
People
Borrowing
I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.
Peter Barnes
(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter
Beliefs
God
People
Self
From “The Ruling Class”
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
Jay Leno
(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health
People
New Year's Eve
Celebrities are invariably celebrity-mad, just as liars always believe liars.
Gore Vidal
(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
People
Celebrities
What men desire is a virgin who is a whore.
Edward Dahlberg
(1900 – 1977) American novelist, essayist & autobiographer
Men
People
Sex
Women
The eyes of Stalin, the voice of Marilyn Monroe.
François Mitterrand
(1916 – 1996) French statesman & president
People
Of Margaret Thatcher
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Barth's Distinction
Murphy’s Laws
People
The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life
People
Situations
Domestication
Money can’t buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Friends
Money
People
Young
Enemies
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Girls
People
Women
You know what they say: ‘Once you go black… your parents don’t talk to you anymore.'
Amy Schumer
(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating
People
Relationships
Blacks
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Beliefs
God
People
Ability
Overestimation
My cholesterol count has a comma.
John Pinette
(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian
Health
Self
Cholesterol
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.
James Thurber
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Death
Life
Men
People
Time
Early to bed
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Government
People
Situations
Karl Rove
You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.
Rob Beckett
English standup comedian
Entertainment
People
Television
Furniture
Working class
Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
Carl Sandburg
Carl Sandburg (1878 – 1967) biographer & poet
Conflict
People
War
Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind.
Kay Ingram
Men
Money
People
Women
Remember to always be yourself… unless you suck.
Joss Whedon
(1964 – ) screenwriter, executive producer, director, composer & actor
Characteristics
People
Self
Women deprived of the company of men pine, men deprived of the company of women become stupid.
Anton Chekhov
(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician
Men
People
Women
The Irish… don’t care for clean government; they want
Irish
government.
Stephen Leacock
(1869 – 1944) Canadian economist & humorist
Government
People
Places
From “Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich”
Irish
Page 35 of 129
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