Subject: Sex

[Leonard & Alice are kissing] Leonard: Damn it, I can’t. I can’t do this.

Alice: Is it my tongue stud? ‘Cause if that freaks you out, you’re in for a real surprise later on.

(1978 – ) American actress
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.

Definitions Sex Wordplay

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Mothers Sex

Jamie Buchman: Would you please tell Lisa what guys think, when women give in on the first date?

Paul Buchman: [pauses] Yippee?

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Sex

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old Sex

Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex; neither! … I'm not falling for that one again, Wife!

(1980 – ) English comedian & novelist
Food/Drink Marriage Sex

You always know when he's ready for sex, ’cause naked, he looked like one of them butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer.

Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat People Sex

Nymphomaniac:  a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Men People Sex Women

Abstinence makes the heart go wander.

Sex Wordplay

I'm at the age where I want two girls; in case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

President Clinton apparently gets so much action that every couple of weeks they have to spray WD-40 on his zipper.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Insults Sex

Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.


Sex

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Self Sex

Abstinence is a perversion.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Sex

Adolescence: The age between puberty and adultery.

Age Definitions Sex

When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don’t like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, ‘Ooh yeah,' or they go, ‘Hey, don’t do that!'

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Sex

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education Sex Young

I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

Sex

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.

(1818 – 1883) German philosopher, economist, sociologist & socialist
Education Intelligence Sex