Subject: Sex (Page 9)

The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Sex

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Sex Situations

Wife Swapping: Sexual fourplay.

Definitions Marriage Sex Wordplay

Tell him I’ve been too f**king busy – or vice versa.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Sex Situations Time

A skirt is no obstacle to extemporaneous sex, but it is physically impossible to make love to a girl while she is wearing trousers.

(1907 – 1982) American journalist, editor & author
Appearance Clothing Sex

You treat my daughter with respect – you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

American comedian & writer
Relationships Sex

Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.

Definitions Sex

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health Sex

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds… the other 19 are shame.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Men People Sex

I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn’t matter, you know… because, at the end of the day, they’re both gross.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
People Sex

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac, but flowers work almost as well.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Money Sex

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

Jamie Buchman: Would you please tell Lisa what guys think, when women give in on the first date?

Paul Buchman: [pauses] Yippee?

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Niagara Falls: The bride’s second great disappointment.

Definitions Places Sex

Sleeping with George Michael would be like having sex with a groundhog.

George Alan O'Dowd (1961 – ) British singer-songwriter
Insults Sex

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

Children Money Proverbs Sex

Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

(1933 – 2007) Am. evangelical pastor, televangelist, & political commentator
Marriage Sex

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Self Sex