Subject: Situations (Page 15)

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
People Situations

First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook – it’s a back to school holiday.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Religion Situations

You can always tell you're in trouble when the good option involves a prosthetic leg.

blogger (Standing Room Only)
Problems Situations

If I could take just one thing to a desert island… I probably wouldn’t go.

comedian
Situations

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question… wait a minute, I do have a dollar for every time I've been asked that question.

American basketball player & coach
Basketball Situations Sports

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said “No Dumping”; that was alright as I was just having a piss… so it didn’t affect me.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Any new activity will cause more trouble than you can possibly imagine.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Gee, what a terrific party… later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Insults Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Situations

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Cold New York City Places Science/Weather Situations

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Animals Men People Situations Time

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Science/Weather Situations

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Family Fathers Misspokements Situations Travel

There’s a saying among prospectors: “Go out looking for one thing, and that's all you’ll ever find.”

(1884 – 1951) American filmmaker
Situations

They say being a hostage is difficult… but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Phil Nichol Canadian comedian, singer-songwriter & actor
Situations