Subject: Situations (Page 21)

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Animals Dogs Life Situations

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.


Communication Situations Wordplay

Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Housework Situations World

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey Situations Sports

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Future Situations Time

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

America Places Situations

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician
Appearance Situations

Fighting fire with fire only gets you ashes!

(1918 – ) American advice columnist
Situations

Oh, last week was a rough week, I noticed my gums were shrinking… I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

God always has another custard pie up His sleeve.

(1943 – 2010) English actress
Beliefs God Situations

Went to the beach today; I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.

television writer, producer & director
Appearance Body Situations

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations

For some not to be martyrs is martyrdom indeed.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People Situations

A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' on how Chicago got started

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places Situations

I’ve been temping at the job that laid me off, and that’s awkward because everybody knows I got canned, and they think I’ve come back to shoot them.

stand-up comedian & writer
Conflict Situations Work

Most projects require three hands.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations