Subject: Situations (Page 21)

Met a girl the other nite and told her-– “Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself… so does $200 seem reasonable?”

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & television ho
Money Situations

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

The next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements Situations

No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Life Situations

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? … and it’s always on the day I forgot my dog…

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Relationships Situations

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance Body Situations

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

Ray Wilkins' day will come one night.

English football player & manager
Misspokements Situations

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
America Communication Situations

No, no… Jimmy Stewart for governor… Ronald Reagan for his best friend.

(1892 – 1978) Canadian-American film producer (Warner Brothers)
Entertainment Film People Situations

It always looks darkest just before it gets totally black.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Situations

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Situations Time

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

I was on Oprah Winfrey once, but the cops pulled me off of her, and now she's pressing charges.

American comedian
Situations

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.

American comedian
Situations

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Situations