Subject: Situations (Page 21)

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death Fathers School Situations

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey Situations Sports

Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole-in-one.

Golf Situations Sports

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Situations Sleep

To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler – and less trouble.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Problems Situations

He'd fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
People Situations

Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

(1872 – 1956) English essayist, parodist & caricaturist
Situations

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

(1967 – ) American television host, producer, writer & comedian
Situations

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

They say winning isn’t everything, and I’ve decided to take their word for it.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Situations

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator
Dating Sex Situations

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

Hay smells different to lovers and horses.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Situations

Maybe it would have been better if neither of us had been born.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
Life Situations

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations