Subject: Situations (Page 24)

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Situations Time

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Memory Situations

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers… he was wanted for rustling.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Situations

Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author
Drugs Self Situations

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Sex Situations

I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Future Relationships Situations Time

You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance Body Situations

It's strange, isn't it… you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Communication Situations Speech

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

It took us hundreds of years to get one Year of the Woman, then we get a year – one of us cuts her husband's penis off.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Situations Women

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Politicians Situations

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

comedian & radio personality
Frugal Money Situations

I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time

If I can’t have it all, can I at least have some of yours?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life Situations

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If I drop out of school, where am I gonna find drugs?

Palestinian/American comedian
Activities Drugs School Situations

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Individuals People Situations

You've got to think lucky; if you fall into a mud hole, check your back pocket – you might have caught a fish.

(1924 – 2012) American football player & coach
Football Situations Sports