Subject: Situations (Page 24)

It is impossible to distinguish, from a distance, whether the bureaucrats associated with your project are simply sitting on their hands, or frantically trying to cover their asses.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

Always behave as if nothing had happened, no matter what has happened.

1867 – 1931) English novelist
Beliefs Situations

Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

(1892 –1957) American comic actor (of Laurel & Hardy)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

(1975 – ) English physicist
Situations

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly… very slowly.

(1911 – 1970) American burlesque entertainer, actress, author & playwright
Situations

The three words you never want to hear while making love… honey, I'm home.


Sex Situations

If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Money Situations

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn’t find it.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Yogi-isms

Being tired isn't the same as being rich, but most times it's close enough.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Money Situations Wealth

I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.

(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations Things

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? … that’s why I never take baths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost; however, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Situations

You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Death Life Situations

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations