Subject: Situations (Page 36)

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General
Situations Time

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I'd always believed that old saying that the first 15 minutes in jail were the toughest, until I experienced the five minutes after that.

(1962 – ) American actor, comedian, writer, director & producer
Situations Time

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

(1921 – 2006) Polish science fiction author
Situations

Beware the smile of a waiter… it means he's pissed in your soup.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Food/Drink Situations

It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Situations

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.


Characteristics Situations

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations Stupidity TV/Movie Quotes

If it looks easy, it's tough… if it looks tough, it's near impossible.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Alcohol Intelligence Memory Situations

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

Adventure is just bad planning.

(1872 – 1928) Norwegian Arctic & Antarctic explorer
Situations

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Situations

I can tolerate without discomfort being waited on hand and foot.

(1908 – 1986) English cartoonist, author, art critic & stage designer
Situations

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations