Subject: Situations (Page 43)

I took this girl to dinner, and I heard that women like it when you order for them, so I was like, 'I'll have the special, and she's not getting anything tonight.'

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink People Situations Women

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor
Sex Shopping Situations

I was only saying to the Queen the other day how I hate name-dropping.

(1911 – 2000) American actor
Situations

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Communication Situations

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

(1932 – 1997) British journalist
Animals Situations

I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.

English football player, manager & sports commentator
Misspokements Situations

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey Situations Sports

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Dating People Relationships Situations Women

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Driving Situations

It was as helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of the rope.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

scriptwriter & author
Places Situations

I once walked in on my grandparents making love… and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Sex Situations

There are four things that hold back human progress – ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.

(1797 – 1875) American accountant
Intelligence Situations Stupidity

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

(1863 – 1945) British politician & statesman
Situations Work

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun… unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months.


Situations

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations