Subject: Situations (Page 5)

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

Golf Situations Sports

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.

(1877 – 1956) U.S. vice president & politician
Alcohol People Situations

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Situations

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Problems Situations Work

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

Situations

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this – man's being unable to sit still in a room.

(1623 – 1662) French mathematician & physicist
Beliefs Situations

If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Birthday parties always end in tears.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules.

(1909 – 2008) U.S. secretary of agriculture
Situations

Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.

Acting Entertainment Murphy’s Laws Situations

I think it would be really confusing if you’re performing an abortion and somebody runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.

Situations

We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and rearranged the furniture.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

I'm not even lucky enough to fantasize about winning the lottery; I have to fantasize about someone else winning, and then killing them.

American comedian
Situations

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host
Sex Situations

What we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

(1917 –1986) American journalist
Situations