Subject: Situations (Page 5)

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Characteristics Expressions Situations

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Situations

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Problems Situations

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

Things are never as bad as they turn out to be.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

It's bad when they don't perform your operas – but when they do, it's far worse.

(1835 – 1921) French Late-Romantic composer, conductor & pianist
Entertainment Insults Music Situations

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Body Characteristics Situations Things

So drug dealers don’t find it funny when you ask for a receipt?

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Intelligence Situations

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life Situations

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Situations Time

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give a man AIDS, and you don’t have to give him any fish.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

comedian & radio personality
Frugal Money Situations

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Golf Situations Sports

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime Situations

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

(1908 – 1965) American broadcast journalist & newscaster
People Situations

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms