Subject: Things (Page 19)

Met a guy this morning with a glass eye; he didn’t tell me – it just came out in the conversation.

(1954 – ) American writer
Miscellaneous Things

The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Any program will expand to fill available memory.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Age Health Old Things

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink Things

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Remember folks, stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Science/Weather Things

Have you ever called the wrong number? They’re always in aren’t they?

(1964 – ) English comedian, writer, actor & musician
Situations Things

You might be a redneck if… you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things

Inanimate objects are scientifically classified into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Murphy’s Laws Things

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!

Headlines Things

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

Things

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things

You always find something in the last place you look.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Money Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

The only people making money these days are the ones who sell computer paper.

Computers Money Murphy’s Laws Things