Things | Just-One-Liners.com

Subject: Things (Page 30)

Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your shit… just to get away from that person.

Tom Rhodes

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor

Emotions Love Things

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

Steve Martin

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Books Communication Reading/Writing Things Blank paper

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Rita Rudner

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men People Things Functions Watches

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Aunt Emmie’s Third Law

Murphy’s Laws Things From Owen Elliott’s Aunt Emmie Scissors

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Rudnicki's Rule

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Barrett's Laws of Driving II

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Speed

The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.

Hogg's Law

Murphy’s Laws Things Space

There’s an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.

Denis Norden

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things Birds

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

Mitch Hedberg

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Activities Things Ice

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

Doug Larson

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Autos Things Holidays Labor Day Traffic

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Things Time Eight minutes Microwave fireplace

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Things Carpeting Hardwood floors

Science has always been too dignified to invent a good backscratcher.

Don Marquis

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

Science/Weather Things Backscratcher

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

Parson's Second Law

Murphy’s Laws Things Maps

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

Mitch Hedberg

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Autos Things Carpools

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Anonymous

Definitions Things Umbrella

User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

Dave Barry

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Computers Things User

I could stand up in the seat and not hit my head.

Buddy Baker

American auto racer

Auto racing Autos Sports Things On one of his old Plymouths

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”