Subject: Things (Page 39)

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities America Autos Places Travel

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Sex Things

What are answering machines for if not to break up with someone who bores you?

American playwright, television writer & author
Relationships Things

I spent all my money on a FAX machine; now I can only FAX collect.

Money Things

Diamond: A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success.

Definitions Things

I hate women because they always know where things are.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
People Things Women

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

Ninety percent of “everything” is crud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

Remember folks, stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Science/Weather Things

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Autos Driving Things

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Autos Things

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

Definitions Things

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Things

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things