Subject: Things (Page 40)

I got a new diaphragm… well, it's new to me.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Things

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Things hate people.

Murphy’s Laws People Things

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Problems Things

The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you are carrying.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

comedian
Situations Things

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Diamond: A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success.

Definitions Things

I was at the plant shop for the fourth time last week asking the guy to please sell me something with a will to live.

(1984 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

Fancy Coffins (To Make Yourself)

Book Titles Things

1. Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed. 2. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. 3. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

Computers Murphy’s Laws

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things

I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Duct tape is like “The Force” … it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Things

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Ideas Things

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things