Subject: Things (Page 40)

When you want to unlock a door but only have one hand free, the keys will be in the opposite pocket.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The probability of arriving at the job site without a needed tool or with the wrong hardware are directly proportional with the square of the travel distance.
Corollary: You will always have what you need when the job is next to your shop.

Murphy’s Laws Things Work

If you need n items of anything, you will have n – 1 in stock.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Clothing Things

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Science/Weather Things

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things

I sold my house this week… I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous Things

Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.


Communication Things Wordplay

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things

Never think of your car as a cold machine, but as a hot-blooded horse.

Argentinian auto racer
Auto racing Autos Sports Things

1.6 Million Cherokees Are Recalled

Autos Headlines

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.


comedian, writer & editor
Things

Never throw away anything unless you know what it came from.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Law Things

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Autos Places