Author: Anonymous Page 109

Grocery list: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Activities Definitions Shopping

“Don’t add too much water,” said Tom with great concentration.

Tom Swifties

“I’m going to lie in the sun,” said Tom in Basque.

Tom Swifties

“Can I go looking for the Grail again?” Tom requested.

Tom Swifties

The niblick, with its heavy head of iron, is a capital club for knocking down solicitors.

Golf Sports

I'm on a wrong-way street!

Driving Malaprops

We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves.

Beliefs Opinion

Jim Rosenthal to an American goalie: So what’s an American doing playing in goal for Millwall.

The goalie’s reply: I’m trying to keep the ball out.

Colemanballs

He is so fat… his blood type is Ragu.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Infinity – where no-one can get, but where all lines meet.

Science/Weather

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

You’re fighting upstream.

Mixed metaphors

To avoid misunderstanding, I’ll stop speaking formal English and just use the binocular.

Communication Language Malaprops

… prostate with grief

Malaprops

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Definitions

Neurotic: A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you.

Definitions People

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

Characteristics Intelligence

When your head is in the bear's mouth, it is not the time to be smacking him on the nose.

Communication Problems

“Once again, I read it on Wikipedia,” Tom recited.

Tom Swifties

Good Neighbor: A fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb it.

Definitions

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

Definitions Doctors Health