Author: Anonymous Page 153

If you put his brain in a gnat's butt, it would fly backwards.

Miscellaneous

 “My parents are called Billy and Nanny,” Tom kidded.

Tom Swifties

Marriage is bliss… Ignorance is bliss… Ergo…

Emotions Happiness Marriage

“This wind is awful,” blustered Tom.

Tom Swifties

“I’ve got sand in my dinner,” said Tom grittily.

Tom Swifties

Jim Rosenthal to an American goalie: So what’s an American doing playing in goal for Millwall.

The goalie’s reply: I’m trying to keep the ball out.

Colemanballs

Close the barn door after you've led the horse to water.

Mixed metaphors

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

Children Definitions Family

Class Reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are.

Age Definitions

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Autos Definitions Things

“I’ve deduced that this is the right way,” said Tom pathologically.

Tom Swifties

My husband could have had any women he pleased – he just couldn't please any!

Husbands Marriage Women

A sure sign of bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can’t help you.

Government

All's well that ends.

Mixed metaphors

Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding.

Activities Definitions Games

She is so short… you can see her feet on her driver's license picture.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.

Definitions Money

Glutton: A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted.

Definitions Eating Food/Drink People

Specialist: A doctor whose patients are expected to confine their ailments to office hours.

Definitions Doctors Health

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

Situations

The city is negotiating with the railway so it can take over the maintenance of the right away.

Malaprops