Author: Anonymous Page 54

The fights you avoid do you far more good than the ones you will win.

Conflict Fights Proverbs

Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.

Malaprops

Life: A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death.

Death Definitions Life

Neurotic: Someone who worries about things that didn’t happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won’t happen in the future.

Definitions People

Executive: A person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him.

Definitions Occupations

Travel Brochure: A trip teaser.

Definitions

“The prisoners set up a company,” the warden confirmed.

Tom Swifties

Among the propensities of humans which almost exceed understanding come the parsimony of the rich and the extravagance of the poor.

Money Poverty Wealth

“Why shouldn’t I stir my coffee with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Tom Swifties

“We must hurry,” said Tom Swiftly.

Tom Swifties

Accident: A thing that is caused by people, but often causes people.

Accidents Definitions Problems

Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.

Definitions

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request your presents at the marriage of their daughter…

Malaprops

The less a person knows, the more he wants to tell it.

Fools Intelligence

We need to look the 800-pound gorilla in the mouth

Mixed metaphors

We'll drive off of that bridge when we get to it.

Mixed metaphors

“He’s a boring chap,” said Tom indulgently.

Tom Swifties

Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Definitions Men People Relationships

“I’m the butcher’s assistant,” said Tom cuttingly.

Tom Swifties

He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly