Author: Anonymous Page 58

The world is your lobster.

Mixed metaphors

Numismatics: Collecting money for fun.

Definitions

“I have to keep these eggs warm,” Tom said honestly.

Tom Swifties

There are two theories to arguing with women… neither one works.

People Women

One way to get a real kick out of bridge is to sit opposite your wife.

Activities Games

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all modern improvements.

Death Definitions

We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.

Malaprops

Home: A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him.

Definitions Places

Ventriloquist: A man who never speaks for himself.

Communication Definitions Speech

Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Definitions Food/Drink

I looked to see what I could hear.

Mixed metaphors

Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets.

Alcohol Definitions Food/Drink

“One of the ten finalists in the ‘London derriere’ contest had to drop out”, said Tom asininely.

Tom Swifties

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Characteristics

“The door’s ajar,” said Tom openly.

Tom Swifties

Optimist: An anti-skeptic.

Definitions

Brainstorm: To feign preparedness.

Definitions

Chef: A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink Occupations Work

Golf is not a game, it’s bondage; it was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.

Golf Sports

A rolling stone kills no birds.

Mixed metaphors

Underwear: An article of clothing which, when kept clean, ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

Appearance Clothing Definitions