Author: Anonymous Page 65

She is so old… she used to baby-sit Jesus.

Age Exaggerations Old

Liberal: Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

Beliefs Characteristics Definitions

I keep trying to lose weight… but it keeps finding me.

Appearance Body Fat

Tact: The art of saying nothing when there is nothing to say. 

Definitions

He's the meanest man on the face of the universe.

Mixed metaphors

A stitch in time saves a poke in the eye with a wet fish.

Mixed metaphors

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.

Golf Sports

Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.

Definitions Wordplay

We are just scratching the tip of the iceberg.

Mixed metaphors

Home: A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office.

Definitions Places

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Definitions Things

He is so fat… he has group insurance.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

“Monaural and quadraphonic systems are exceptions,” said Tom stereotypically.

Tom Swifties

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Situations Time

Wind: Weather on the go.

Definitions Science/Weather

Let sleeping ducks lie.

Animals Dogs Malaprops

Tube Dress: A dress which is an extended boob tube.

Clothing Definitions

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

People Situations

Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges.

Definitions Entertainment Music

That was the last hump on the camel.

Mixed metaphors

“I ain’t afraid of those white men,” said Cochise bravely.

Tom Swifties