Author: Anonymous Page 79

Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.

Definitions Life

Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

Children Definitions Family

Tax Reform: Taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.

Definitions Government Taxes

College: A four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Definitions Education School

“I’m not myself, today,” said Tom, being frank.

Tom Swifties

He’s so chincy, he can call his every dollar by its first name.

Frugal Miscellaneous Money

Money is the roof of all evil.

Malaprops

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

I understand that Congress has taken the first step in the fight against air pollution: limiting the speeches to five minutes.

Congress Government

“Rowing so much hurts my hands,” said Tom callously.

Tom Swifties

Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Definitions

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Definitions Food/Drink

Impossible Lie: In golf, a ball that is in a position that is both completely obstructed by an immovable object and continuously observed by an incorruptible player.

Definitions Golf Sports

Zoo: A place where humans go and animals are barred.

Animals Definitions

Spine: A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.

Definitions

“Why do you bother? I for one couldn’t….,” said Tom carelessly.

Tom Swifties

“I can lend you the money,” Tom said with interest.

Tom Swifties

Busier than a moth in a mitten!

Expressions Situations

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

Insults Intelligence

A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.

Appearance Body People Women

Humility: The ability to act ashamed when you tell people how wonderful you are.

Definitions