Author: Anonymous Page 84

Flirt: A girl who got the boy you wanted.

Definitions

Gardening: Man’s effort to improve his lot.

Activities Definitions

Politicians are like diapers; they both need changing regularly and for the same reason.

Government Politicians

Mason-Dixon Line: A geographical division between “you all” and “youse guys.”

Definitions Places

Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the priviledge.

Insults Intelligence

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Beliefs Sex

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

Doctors Health

When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

Age Old Young

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Characteristics Communication Lies

“It has zero height, zero width, and just a little depth,” said Tom, stretching the point.

Tom Swifties

He could wear a top hat and walk under a snake’s belly.

Expressions

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.

Things

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Definitions Food/Drink

“I invested in a hi-tech startup,” Tom ventured.

Tom Swifties

Gorilla see, gorilla do.

Mixed metaphors

Budget: An orderly system of living beyond your means.

Definitions

Bureaucracy is based on a willingness to either pass the buck or spend it.

Government

She was drop down gorgeous.

Mixed metaphors

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Appearance Body Fat

Quit your procrasterbating and go talk to him.

Malaprops

He ain’t got enough sense to poor piss out of a boot.

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity