Author: Dave Barry Page 5
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist