Author: Phyllis Diller Page 2

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Children Young

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Time

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Characteristics

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Situations Things

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Old

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Clothing Football Sports

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage

[My husband] and I are always fighting; when we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Conflict Marriage Problems

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Problems Situations

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking Eating Food/Drink

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Marriage Mistakes

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Housework Work

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Old

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People Self

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People