Author: Phyllis Diller Page 2

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Clothing Football Sports

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Housework Work

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Communication Husbands Marriage

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Conflict Crime People Self Ugly

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Death Dogs Marriage

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Marriage

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Body Health Relationships

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Baseball Children Money Sports Wealth

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking Eating Food/Drink

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix’ that's why he's never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage Work

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Body Old

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Miscellaneous

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Work

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Old

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Health

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Conflict Fights Marriage Sleep

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Children Young

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance