Author: Steven Wright Page 5

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things Wordplay

Ballerinas are always on their toes; why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I don't have to walk my dog anymore… I walked him all at once.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Things

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind

My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can’t hear him talk.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” … and then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

When I visit China I like to get Chinese food… ff course, over there they just call it food.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Places

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… I kept almost dying.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Occupations Wordplay Work

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations