Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Cooking Food/Drink

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People Relationships Women

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage People Women

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Elections/Voting Government

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

Mrs. Gideon: Well! I’m afraid I can’t say anything good about her.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what’s good. Tell me the rest.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children TV/Movie Quotes

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics Time

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Animals

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Life World

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I like my films to influence the audience; even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Entertainment Film

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Beliefs Religion

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Food/Drink Health

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Appearance Family Relationships