Author: Wilson Mizner

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

Why should I talk to you?… I've just been talking to your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Communication Death God

The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Marriage

He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Frugal Insults Money

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Death

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

Failure has gone to his head.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Failure Insults Problems

Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Life Time

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Education Religion

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Communication Self Speech

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Animals Insults

This might have been good for a picture… except it has too many characters in it.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Entertainment Film

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Fools Intelligence People

Art is science made clear.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Art Science/Weather

Another pot of coffee, waiter, and bring it under your arm to keep it warm.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Food/Drink

He'd steal a hot stove and come back for the smoke.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Insults

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Government Insults Law Lawyers Money

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor – unassisted.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Emotions Love