Random One-Liners

Let's clear up a loose end.

Mixed metaphors

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

Rattlesnake: Tattle tail.

Animals Definitions Wordplay

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

(1799 – 1850) French novelist & playwright
Marriage

Unwed Mother: One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter’s talent for becoming invisible at will.

Definitions Family

Take a step or two forward, lads. It will be easier that way.

(1870 – 1922) Irish author & nationalist
Last words

Here lies old Caleb Ham, by trade a bum. When de died the devil cried, Come, Caleb, come.

Epitaphs

Exhaustion: Sufficient cause for the hospitalization of a celebrity – the normal state of existence for the rest of the working world.

Definitions

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Animals Things

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Miscellaneous

A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.

Murphy’s Laws

Monument: A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Cowboy Warning In Tornado-Hit Town

Headlines

Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, they are cruising into the semi-final.

Mixed metaphors

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Government President

Bikini: Baiting Suit.

Clothing Definitions

Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Men People Science/Weather Women

The finest collection of frames I ever saw.

(1778 – 1829) English chemist
Art Entertainment