Subject: Animals » Dogs

Yesterday I was a dog… today I’m a dog… tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement.

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)

No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer

A house without a dog or a cat is the house of a scoundrel.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

I tell ya, my dog is lazy; he don’t chase cars… he sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Dogs are like penises… I enjoy my own, but I don't want to be touched by anyone else's.

American comedian

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Heaven goes by favor; for if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? … it’s hardly ever for them.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog… hello?… he's already licking his ass.

(1960 – ) American comedian

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.

(1793 – 1863) American politician, statesman & soldier

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor













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