Subject: Animals » Dogs

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

The measure of a bird dog's intelligence can be determined by the length of time it takes to resign yourself to his way of thinking.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore… I walked him all at once.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.

I’m fond of pigs… dogs look up to us… cats look down on us… pigs treat us as equal.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

(1894 – 1963) English writer

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Even a dog knows the difference between being tripped-over and kicked.

He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.

(1793 – 1863) American politician, statesman & soldier

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

A house without a dog or a cat is the house of a scoundrel.

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother… they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day… I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; this is the principal difference between dog and man.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I spilled spot remover on my dog… he’s gone now.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

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