Subject: Animals » Dogs

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

Dogs are like penises… I enjoy my own, but I don't want to be touched by anyone else's.

American comedian

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

Dog Kennel: A barking lot.

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If you want to cure your dog’s bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’m fond of pigs… dogs look up to us… cats look down on us… pigs treat us as equal.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator
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