Subject: Characteristics

I Will Respect Your Opinion As Soon As You Stop Making Shit Up!

Optimist: A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants.

He had the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter

The least thing upsets him on the links; he missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A man thinks he amounts to a great deal but to a flea or a mosquito a human being is merely something good to eat.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

She has initiated and is very remorseful.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.

He's so honest you can shoot dice with him on the telephone.

(1931 – ) television newscaster

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath… he holds up his arms

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The ladies looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.

(1795 – 1881) Scottish philosopher, writer, historian & teacher

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Our ego is our silent partner – too often with a controlling interest.

(1923 – ) American quote & quip writer

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

(1964 – ) comedian, political satirist, writer & television host

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.

(1895 – 1956) Armenian essayist, novelist, playwright, & scriptwriter

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Only a mediocre person is always at his best.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
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