Subject: Characteristics

I used to be indecisive… but I'm not sure.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Be normal, and the crowd will accept you… be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him when he was alive.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

We have in England a curious belief in first-rate people, meaning all the people we do not know; and this consoles us for the undeniable second-rateness of the people we do know.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath… he holds up his arms

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

In 1969 I published a small book on Humility; it was a pioneering work which has not, to my knowledge, been superseded.


Liberty: Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s business.

Somewhere between the Angels and the French lies the rest of humanity.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Un-American: Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

He’s so mean, he’d bite himself.

The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

The Mets achieved total incompetence in a single year, while the Browns worked industriously for almost a decade to gain equal proficiency.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

One good thing about apathy is you don’t have to exert yourself to show you’re sincere about it.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president

I actually thought about getting breast implants because I'm a radical, militant feminist and a hypocrite, it turns out.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor