Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful?… no, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.
(1926 – 1984) English comedian
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
There's one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him… if he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F Kennedy
(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president
I like a man who's good, but not too good; for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do.
(1888 – 1955) American writer, lecturer & developer of self-improvement skills
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense.
(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile – hoping it will eat him last.
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
It's far easier to forgive an enemy after you've got even with him.
(1918 - 2002) American author
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Many who would not take the last cookie would take the last lifeboat.
(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Always be sincere… even if you don’t mean it.
(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president
The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on woman.
(1879 – 1964) British politician
The sterile, arid environment created by truly jarring and discordant signage and gargantuan billboards is a turnoff.
(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the man who eats Grape Nuts on principle.
(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Very sorry can't come; lie follows by post.
Lord Charles Beresford
(1846 – 1919) British Admiral & member of Parliament
In a telegram refusing a dinner invitation
Eddie had so much energy he made coffee beans jumpy.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
I was born gay, but eight months of breast feeding wiped that right out.
(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Most people’s self-esteem isn't low enough.
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