Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Characteristics
(Page 4)
The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey; the old ballplayer cared about the name on the front… the new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.
Steve Garvey
professional baseball player
Baseball
Characteristics
Sports
Our ego is our silent partner – too often with a controlling interest.
Cullen Hightower
(1923 – ) American quote & quip writer
Characteristics
People
Self
Egotism
Silent partner
Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
(1896 – 1940) American author of novels & short stories
Characteristics
Insults
Ernest Hemingway
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Jay Leno
(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs
Characteristics
God
Hollywood Boulevard
Sodom and Gomorrah
What, Me Worry?
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Characteristics
Worry
Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics
Temptation
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
Robert Frost
(1874 – 1963) American poet
Characteristics
Education
Learning
Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.
Jackie Gleason
(1916 – 1987) television actor & comedian
Characteristics
Emotions
Entertainment
Actors
Modesty
I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics
People
Self
Sex
Self-esteem
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do – well, that's Memoirs.
Will Rogers
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Characteristics
Past
Reading/Writing
Self
Bad
Deeds
Good
Memoirs
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Characteristics
Communication
Money
Speech
Irritation
Overcharging
I'm not anti-social – I'm just not social.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics
People
Self
Social
I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy.
Samuel Butler
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Characteristics
Honesty
Lies
Inaccuracy
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less, as I never think about them.
Charles Lamb
(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Characteristics
Science/Weather
Time
Bewilders
Space
A signature always reveals a man's character – and sometimes even his name.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Characteristics
People
Name
Signature
Honesty: The fear of being caught.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Definitions
Honesty
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Characteristics
Good
Wonderful
Only the paranoid survive.
Andrew Grove
(1936 – ) Hungarian-born American businessman, engineer & author
Characteristics
People
Paranoid
I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics
Anxiety
When I was a child, what I wanted to be when I grew up was an invalid.
Quentin Crisp
(1908 – 1999) English writer
Characteristics
Inactivity
Laziness
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
(1911 – 1989) television actress
Age
Characteristics
Honesty
Lies
Old
Young
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