Quotes and One Liners
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Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
State of the Union speeches
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
You don’t listen to a guy who looks like the kid in ‘Deliverance’ all grown up.
(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
Only one thing, is impossible for God; to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
I belong to the Straight Talking American Government Party, or STAG Party for short.
(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
On his political affiliation
Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.
(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
American diplomacy is like watching somebody trying to do joinery with a chainsaw.
(1941 – ) British poet & novelist
Dear Jack, don't buy a single vote more than necessary; I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.
Joseph P. Kennedy Sr.
(1888 – 1969) American businessman & father of President John Kennedy
In a letter to his son during the 1960 presidential campaign
I need money… I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing – nobody listens—and then everybody disagrees.
(1898 – 1967) Russian writer
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
(1915 – 2002) Israeli diplomat & politician
Only the little people pay taxes.
(1920 – 2007) American billionaire businesswoman & real estate investor
I don't want to say he's in bed with this administration, but they did find Dick Cheney's Rolex lodged in his colon.
(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and ends giving $5 worth for $500.
Benjamin H. Brewster
(1816 – 1888) American attorney, politician & United States Attorney General
Nothing is illegal if one hundred well-placed business men decide to do it.
(1932 – ) American politician, diplomat, activist & pastor
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
A Murphy's Military Law
I could not stand the strain of having to be right all the time.
(1921 – 2004) English actor & author
On why he did not become a politician
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game; you want us to pay income taxes, too?
(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Star Spangled Banner
I had the right to remain silent, but I had lost the ability to.
(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
On getting arrested
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