Subject: Marriage » Divorce

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

After five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

(1957 – ) American comedian

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

You might be a redneck if… your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The first one’s the hardest, then you know the routine.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress

Divorce: A splitting headache.

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer

France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are made in America.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

(1894 – 1967) English heir, New York socialite (married 13 times)

My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship.

American comedian

A TV host asked my wife, “Have you ever considered divorce?” She replied: ‘Divorce never, murder, often.’

(1923 – 2008) American actor & political activist

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

(1882 – 1942) American actor













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