Subject: Marriage » Divorce

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It's better to have loved and lost, then have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.

comedian

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

My wife made me a millionaire. Before she divorced me, I had three million.

professional hockey player

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

The first one’s the hardest, then you know the routine.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.

(1864 – 1943) English writer

I'm single now, and it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.

American comedian

I’m still friends with all my ex’s, apart from my husbands.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer

I'm 34 years old; I thought I'd be divorced by now.

American comedian

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it.

Divorce: A splitting headache.

Always get married early in the morning; that way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

(1920 – 2014) American actor & entertainer

My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship.

American comedian