Subject: People (Page 4)

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country, but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The trouble with Bogart is he thinks he's Bogart.

(1906 – 1987) American movie director, producer & actor

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

(1934 – ) writer & editor

At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

(1775 – 1817) English novelist

The sheer immensity of the human self as envisioned by the world's religions is awesome.

(1919 – ) American religious studies scholar

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt… on the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Otto von Bismarck: The Germans have just bought a new country in Africa where Jews and pigs will be tolerated.

Disraeli: Fortunately, we are both here (in England).

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of women to proclaim ownership).

William Sydney Porter (1862 – 1910) American writer

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

You might be a redneck if… you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

To the French, lying is simply talking.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

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