Subject: People (Page 4)

Men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Abstainer: The kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

I don't hire anybody not brighter than I am; if they're not brighter than I am, I don't need them.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach

In order not to be called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

(1754 – 1838) French bishop, politician & diplomat

A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance.

(1820 – 1903) English philosopher

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend – if you have one.

Churchill’s reply: Impossible to be present for the first performance; will attend second – if there is one.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it On Anon Anon.

(1959 – ) American comedian

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being… and it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

My coach said I ran like a girl, I said if he could run a little faster he could too.

1972 – ) American soccer player

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If there is anything disagreeable going on, men are sure to get out of it.

I like Kit-Kats unless I’m with four or more people.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It’s not the men in my life that counts, it’s the life in my men.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
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