Subject: Places

They shot too many pictures, and not enough actors.

(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

A Frenchwoman, when double-crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover; the Englishwoman simply breaks off relations – but they all will console themselves with another man.

(1899 – 1978) French actor

It's so flat you can look down the road and see the back of your head!

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist

I'm working on a marketing slogan for Saudi Arabia: What happens in Riyadh stays in Riyadh… with your hands


You cannot trust people who have such bad cuisine; it is the country with the worst food after Finland.

(1932 – ) French statesman & president

I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

We do not go in for philosophy in this country… we have our own system… it’s called wondering.

(1968 – ) English comedian & television personality

I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.

stand-up comedian

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

According to legend, Telford is so dull that the bypass was built before the town.

It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.

I'm the best heavyweight in Canada and I'll still be the best when I'm dead seven years.

Canadian boxing champion

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts; our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

(1919 – 2000) Canadian prime minister & politician

Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

What this world needs is a damned good plague.

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