Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 3

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Conflict Friends Killing People

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Speech Comics

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Eulogies Listening

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Baseball Sports Cincinnati Reds

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Drugs God People Acid

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Opinion People

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs God Religion Atheism Organization Prophet

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money Work Salaries

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Glass half full Optimism Pessimism

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Characteristics Old Good

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Sports Swimming

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Bathrooms Dinner parties

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Individuals Killing People Hostage situation Multiple personalities

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Religion Christianity

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Best thing Sliced bread

"No comment" is a comment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication No comment

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language People Things Deaf Soap Swear

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Time Expiration date Sour cream

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Communication Language Truth

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Health Memory People Alzheimer's disease

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Author: George Carlin Page 3

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

"No comment" is a comment.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.