Author: Johnny Carson

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

(1925 – 2005) television host

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is… finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time… most unsolved.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Jimmy [Carter] needs Billy like Van Gogh needs stereo.

(1925 – 2005) television host

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host
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