Keyword: Drunk

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian

There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk—that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras—it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!

Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.

You can't fall off the floor.

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I got so drunk one night I woke up in a chalk outline.

American comedian

He’s in a foggery.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor

He’s three sheets in the wind.

He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Drunk as Cooter Brown

Tighter than a new boot