Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Tighter than a new boot
If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.
(1963 – ) television host & comedian
Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
As Harold Bissonette in “It’s a Gift”
I got so drunk one night I woke up in a chalk outline.
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
He’s in a foggery.
He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk—that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras—it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
Drunk as Cooter Brown
You can't fall off the floor.
Law of Drunkedness
Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.
(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.
(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
He’s three sheets in the wind.
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