Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.
(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Drunk as Cooter Brown
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
He’s in a foggery.
Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.
(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
He’s three sheets in the wind.
If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.
(1963 – ) television host & comedian
There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk—that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras—it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
You can't fall off the floor.
Law of Drunkedness
Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
As Harold Bissonette in “It’s a Gift”
You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Tighter than a new boot
I got so drunk one night I woke up in a chalk outline.
My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
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