Keyword: Drunk

You can't fall off the floor.

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

I got so drunk one night I woke up in a chalk outline.

American comedian

Tighter than a new boot

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk—that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras—it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!

Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.

My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

He’s three sheets in the wind.

Drunk as Cooter Brown

He’s in a foggery.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
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