Keyword: Drunk

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

He’s three sheets in the wind.

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.

There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk—that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras—it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

I got so drunk one night I woke up in a chalk outline.

American comedian

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Tighter than a new boot

You can't fall off the floor.

He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!

Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

He’s in a foggery.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Drunk as Cooter Brown