Keyword: Drunk

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian
Accidents Alcohol Emotions Laughter

Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Drunk as Cooter Brown

Miscellaneous

He’s in a foggery.

Miscellaneous

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Alcohol Food/Drink Sex

Little Bobby’s Drunk Again

Alcohol Book Titles

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.

Alcohol Food/Drink People

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Alcohol People Rednecks

He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Alcohol Food/Drink

He’s three sheets in the wind.

Miscellaneous

I got so drunk one night I woke up in a chalk outline.

American comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Alcohol Ideas Murphy’s Laws

There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk—that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras—it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

I gave that man the drunkest years of my life.

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.

(1865 – 1939) Irish poet & politician
Alcohol Food/Drink Insults People

Tighter than a new boot

Miscellaneous

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
Alcohol

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!

Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes

You can't fall off the floor.

Alcohol Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink