Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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(Page 2)
Life is a game, the object of which is to discover the object of the game.
Sanders' Rumination
Games
Life
Murphy’s Laws
I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos
Driving
England
Places
Siamese twins
All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections.
Shedenhelm’s Law of Backpacking
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
Hiking
Trails
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Marty Allen
(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor
Activities
Shopping
Things
Time
Economics
Men in high levels of government seldom surf.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities
Government
Men
Occupations
People
Work
Surfing
Eleven months’ hard work and one month’s acute disappointment.
John Heathcoat Amory
British businessman & politician
Activities
On gardening
Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
Bruce Lansky
(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Activities
Golf
Sports
Cheating
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday; I’ll tell you what… never again.
Tim Vine
(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Activities
Time
Vacations
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you’re away and get nothing done, there’s another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
Daniel B. Luten
(1869 – 1946) American bridge builder & engineer
Activities
Work
Bosses
Vacation
The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.
Henry Adams
(1838 – 1918) journalist, historian, academic & novelist
Activities
Gambling
Stock market
Window Shopping: Eye browsing.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Shopping
Window Shopping
I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities
Conflict
Family
Fathers
Travel
Globe
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
Eddie Izzard
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Drugs
LSD
Look around the table; if you don’t see a sucker, get up, because you’re the sucker.
Slim's Rule
Activities
Games
Murphy’s Laws
Gambling
Suckers
He can’t decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
Murray Walker
(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Activities
Auto racing
Misspokements
Sports
Visor
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
People
Juggling
Bridge is the only game that bruises more shins than hockey.
Anonymous
Activities
Games
Bridge
Cards
1. The more tangled your line is, the better the fishing is around you. 2. The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing season draws nearer. 3. The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Corollary: The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater chance of having to stop at the fish market on the way home.
Porkingham's Laws of Sportfishing
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
Sports
Fishing
Grocery list: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Shopping
Grocery list
I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me… sleep on it.
Shmuel Breban
Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations
Sleep
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities
Communication
Dance
Entertainment
Music
Speech
Architecture
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