Subject: Activities (Page 3)

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

When you need towns, they are very far apart.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I’m addicted to placebos; I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

comedian
Activities Drugs Health

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Conflict Housework Husbands Marriage Proverbs

One of the worst things that can happen to you in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.

American billiards champion & hustler
Activities Sports

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Autos People Rednecks

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Death People

What do gardeners do when they retire?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Activities

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Activities Definitions

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Girls People School Sex

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

I don’t do drugs anymore – than, say, the average touring funk band.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Drugs

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Activities Language Sex

The fantasy of every Australian man is to have two women – one cleaning and the other dusting.

Australian comedian & actress
Housework People Women

Do you know what’s easier than putting on sunscreen? … not going outside.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

(1982 – ) American author
Activities Situations

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities Places Time