Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 15)
For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
Terry Pratchett
(1948 – ) English novelist
Animals
Universe
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Dogs
Friends
Money
People
Wives
The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs.
A. Toussenel
(1803 – 1885) French writer & journalist
Animals
Dogs
People
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Cats
People
Self
Sandbox
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Wordplay
Giraffe
You might be a redneck if… you ever named a child after a dog.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals
Children
Dogs
Family
People
Rednecks
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andy Rooney
(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
Animals
Communication
Dogs
Speech
The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog… hello?… he's already licking his ass.
Jake Johannsen
(1960 – ) American comedian
Animals
Dogs
Health
Medicine
Taste
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Animals
Cats
Conflict
Fights
Kittens
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Beliefs
Food/Drink
Opinion
Bread
Ducks
I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals
Dogs
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
Margo Kaufman
(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator
Animals
Beliefs
Dogs
God
Humor
Pugs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Dogs
Building
Ledge
Walking
A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Dogs
Places
Women
Palm Beach
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
Nora Ephron
(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals
Marriage
Madness
Pets
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Situations
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals
Dogs
Emotions
Love
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Situations
Geese
Pillow fight
Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
Robert Heinlein
(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Animals
Definitions
Elephant
How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You
Matthew Inman
Book Titles
Cats
50 Ways to Eat Cock
Adrienne N Hew
Animals
Book Titles
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Food/Drink
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