Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 21)
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
Eddie Izzard
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Situations
Birds
If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?
Jim Gaffigan
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Bugs
Outdoors
You can put a coat and tie on a goat, and it’s still a goat.
Proverb
Animals
Appearance
Proverbs
Pigs
Reality
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Situations
… that indefatigable and unsavory engine of pollution
John Sparrow
(1906 – 1992) English academic, barrister & book-collector
Animals
Dogs
I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg
(1849 – 1912) Swedish writer
Animals
Dogs
Emotions
Biting
Hate
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Animals
Things
Trout
Waterbeds
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Characteristics
Fear
Snakes
Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.
Racetrack proverb
Activities
Animals
Proverbs
Horse racing
I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals
Beliefs
God
People
Monkeys
Black beauty – he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Animals
Black Beauty
Horses
I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Jeff Stilson
(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals
People
Vacuum cleaners
Whoa!: A brake for horses.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Horses
Whoa!
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Animals
Conflict
Situations
Sleep
Calf
Lion
A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.
Doug Larson
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals
Cats
Children
Family
Kittens
We’ve a cat called Ben Hur; we called it Ben till it had kittens.
Sally Poplin
Animals
Cats
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals
Moose
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
John Benfield
(1981 – ) British actor
Animals
Eagles
It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.
Mickey Rivers
professional baseball player
Animals
Cold
Science/Weather
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals
Cats
Characteristics
Secrets
Cats… a standing rebuke to behavioural scientist.
Lewis Thomas
Animals
Cats
Page 21 of 22
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