Subject: Appearance (Page 14)

When I don't look like the tragic muse, I look like the smoky relic of the great Boston Fire.

(1832 – 1888) novelist
Appearance People Self

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Body Sex

Makeup: What it takes to look natural.

Appearance Definitions

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size 6.

Appearance Definitions Fat

He’s even smaller in real life than he is on the track.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Appearance Colemanballs Misspokements

A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Appearance Clothing

I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them at least five years.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Appearance Clothing Misspokements Time

A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Age Appearance Old People Women

I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "F**k that… I'll just get a tan instead.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya.

(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
Appearance Situations

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Death People Self

If you’re up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. It’s the hardest shot for the well-endowed; like when I used to beat Ann Jones, she could hit under them or over them but never through them.

American professional tennis player
Body Sports

My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

You don’t look so hot yourself.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Appearance Yogi-isms

He's as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla; if he was as smart as a gorilla he'd be fine.

college football coach
Animals Appearance Body Insults Intelligence

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Clothing Government Military Murphy’s Laws

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Places

I'd hire her to haunt a house!

Appearance Miscellaneous Ugly

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Appearance

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes Ugly