Subject: Beliefs (Page 11)

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office.

(1955 – ) American sportswriter
Beliefs Congress Golf Government Honesty Law Lies

He’s so crooked that when he dies, they’re going to have to screw him into the ground.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs Religion

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Communication Language Truth

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Friends God Old People

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.

novelist, screenwriter & businessman
Football God Men Sports Women

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast… if God wants to play through, let him.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
God Golf Sports

Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to traffic court.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Characteristics Truth

Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Communication Honesty Truth

My wife converted me to religion; I never believed in hell until I married her.

(1892 – 1992) American film & television producer & director
Beliefs Marriage Religion Wives

For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Activities Beliefs Entertainment

God heals and the doctor takes the fee.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Beliefs Doctors God Health Money

I don’t believe in astrology… I’m a Sagittarian, and we’re skeptical.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Beliefs Science/Weather

Reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Religion

Pray, pray very much; but beware of telling god what you want.

Beliefs God Proverbs

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Beliefs God TV/Movie Quotes

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director
Beliefs People Things

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

Praise does wonders for our sense of hearing.

(1905 –1998) American author
Beliefs Communication Opinion

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold ‘em under long enough.

(1944 – ) American singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician & columnist
Beliefs Religion

I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Education School