Subject: Beliefs (Page 36)

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Beliefs Sex

God, whom you doubtless remember as that quaint old subordinate of General Douglas MacArthur…

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Insults Opinion

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth – anonymously and posthumously.

(1930 – ) economist, social commentator & author
Characteristics Honesty Truth

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

(1911 – 1978) U.S. vice president & politician
Communication Intelligence Opinion

A conservative is a fellow who thinks a rich man should have a square deal.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Beliefs

Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Education Facts Science/Weather

Evil is live spelled backwards.
Corollary: If it feels good, don't do it.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.

(1867 – 1933) English writer
Beliefs Opinion

One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you.

Beliefs People

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance Clothing Golf People Religion Sports

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

(1895 – 1979) American archbishop of the Catholic Church
Beliefs Definitions Religion

When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.

(1893 – 1957) British politician
Beliefs Honesty Situations

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Opinion

God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Beliefs God

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God; I just don't trust anybody who works for him.

television executive & comedian
Beliefs God

Righteous indignation: Your own wrath as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Beliefs Religion

Tact: To lie about others as you would have them lie about you.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator
Beliefs Honesty Lies

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

Dance God Proverbs Things

Facts are stubborn things.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Beliefs Facts

Liars get caught by the tale.

Characteristics Honesty Lies Murphy’s Laws

If God, as some now say, is dead, He no doubt died of trying to find an equitable solution to the Arab-Jewish problem.

(1907 – 1989) American writer
Beliefs God Government