Subject: Beliefs (Page 36)

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Emotions Entertainment God Laughter

Anyone can tell the truth, but only very few of us can make epigrams.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Characteristics Communication Language Reading/Writing Truth

God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Conflict God War

Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Money

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Honesty

A liberal’s generosity is only limited by your income.

Beliefs Government

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

Jake: You lied to me.
Elwood: It wasn't a lie, it was just bullshit.

(1952 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, screenwriter & singer
Lies TV/Movie Quotes

What’s a cult…it just means not enough people to make a minority.

(1925 – 2006) American film director, screenwriter & producer
Beliefs People

My wife said: ‘I want an explanation and I want the truth.’ I said: ‘Make up your mind.’

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication Honesty Marriage Truth Wives

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics Opinion Speech

He’d steal flies from a blind spider.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

Jesus loves you… He’s not ‘in love’ with you.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Beliefs Husbands Opinion

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs

If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?

(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer
Appearance People Truth Women

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Characteristics Honesty Lies

As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.

Accidents Age Beliefs Old

Statistics are no substitute for common sense.

Beliefs Facts

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Divorce Religion

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer
Beliefs Places